


Absolution

by bavarian_angel



Category: Formula 1 RPF
Genre: M/M, Religious Themes, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-03-18
Updated: 2015-03-18
Packaged: 2018-03-18 12:06:48
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,892
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3569033
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/bavarian_angel/pseuds/bavarian_angel
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Love is sin; and Nico is the sinner.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Absolution

**Author's Note:**

  * For [spreadthighs](https://archiveofourown.org/users/spreadthighs/gifts).



“Vater unser im Himmel, geheiligt werde dein Name...” Nico mumbled the more than familiar words, feeling the light weight of the deep black pearls in his fingers. At this time in the evening the Saint Nicholas Cathedral in Monaco was almost empty, save for Nico and a couple of elderly ladies. 

Whenever Nico was in Monaco for more than a day, he made sure to come here, even if he didn't make it to the weekly services. Sometimes he just needed this. The rosary he had gotten from his grandmother was something constant in his fast lived life. The repetitive set of prayers always helped him to calm down, even though he could feel the staring of the depicted saints in the paintings on the walls of the church. As if they knew...

Of course they knew. They knew all his sins, without giving him absolution, being aware that when he would leave this holy place he would go straight to the hell that was the arms of another man. Only whispering the last words Nico finished his prayers with a sighed Amen; all while crossing himself and looking up at the painting above the altar.

The blank stare falling back on him made him feel weak when he stepped out of the seat. He knew he would be back soon, running away from something he just couldn't deny anymore. Only after a short genuflection and crossing himself, he turned to leave. Outside from the church there was a light breeze coming from the sea. It was pretty cool for a summer's evening in Monaco, the hair on his arms rising up on the way to his car.

As soon as Nico was sitting behind the wheel he felt a little bit more at ease – another familiar thing that calmed him down. For a moment he considered taking the long route back, but he quickly decided against it. It would only offer his worries more time to consume him. The sound of the old Mercedes was enough to distract him for this moment and with every turn on his way the feelings inside him fought a war which neither side would win in the end.

Arriving at the apartment complex on the outskirts of Monaco, Nico parked his car in a spot that was particularly reserved for him. Inside, the concierge only nodded his way; Nico's face was far from unfamiliar to him. His heart started racing during the elevator ride up, no matter how hard he tried to get himself under control. He was a racing driver after all – he wasn't supposed to get nervous over such trivial things. But then they weren't trivial to him.

With a light 'ping' the elevator stopped and Nico stepped out. He counted the steps to the apartment door, not even knowing why he did it. The moment he pulled out the key, he heard muffled sounds on the other side and before Nico could even think about opening the door, Jenson appeared in front of him.

Slowly Nico let his eyes wander over the other man's body. Jenson was simply dressed in jeans with bare feet and a white t-shirt that built a strong contrast to his tanned skin.

“I'm back,” Nico simply stated, starring into Jenson's eyes and being rewarded with a smile. Nico could have sworn Jenson was basically shining from within – almost like one of those painted saints, but this one wasn't starring at him pejoratively. Jenson was looking at him with pure love in his eyes, making Nico feel all warm inside. 

Before Jenson could even say one thing, Nico pushed him inside, closing the door behind them in one swift move. All his doubts and fears were left outside. He needed this now, as he would always need it. Pressing Jenson against the wall in the hallway, Nico fell to his knees, starring up with desperation in his eyes. He was the sinner, worshipping the only truth in his life.

The short moment froze in time when Jenson laid his hand on Nico's cheek. He would give him salvation if only Nico would let him. Jenson's fingers wandered down his neck, grasping the small golden cross on the necklace that Nico never took off – not even in bed with Jenson.

The sorrowful look in Jenson's eyes was enough to break the moment for Nico. He quickly plucked the cross from Jenson's hand and pushed it underneath the hem of his shirt. Ignoring Jenson's unspoken question, Nico let himself fall forward, burying his face in his boyfriend's crotch. He could feel the heat though the jeans, the hidden length thickening with every stroke of his face.

“God... Nico...” Jenson's deep moans were enough to let Nico take the leap of faith. With no hesitation he quickly opened the fly on Jenson's jeans, indulging in the proud cock waiting for him. Taking him as deep as possible for him, Nico felt the heat rushing to his own groin. 

He wasn't even enjoying tasting Jenson's skin on his tongue anymore; he lived for it. He depended on it. He could die right now and be happy. Heaven just had to be like this or he didn't know the God he was praying to all the time. Jenson buried his hands deep in Nico's hair, while trying to suppress his gasps and moans.

“Nico... wait... stop...,” Jenson groaned, pulling Nico off him, only to be regarded with a doubtful look. 

“Why...?” 

“Because I want all of you – not just a quick blow job in my hallway.” Jenson grinned mischievously, helping Nico off the floor. 

Soon lips were on lips and Nico felt himself being pulled towards the bedroom where Jenson fell on the bed, looking at the younger man like he couldn't even hurt a fly. Nico knew this demeanour – one of the many reasons why he fell in love with Jenson in the first place.

He watched in awe when Jenson pulled his t-shirt over his head, throwing it to the side – promptly followed by his jeans. There was nothing more beautiful than the naked man in front of him; Nico was definitely sure of that.

Post-haste he shed his own clothes. His want for Jenson now more than obvious. However, Nico just stood there for a moment, his hands once again looking for his golden cross.

Jenson didn't say one word when he saw Nico taking it off and letting it fall to the floor. Instead he offered his opened arms for Nico to find refuge from his own demons; and Nico didn't hesitate for one moment.

+*+

Nico woke up to the dim light shining through the gap in the curtains and Jenson snoring into his ear. The Brit was snuggling up to Nico’s back, hot breath hitting his neck. However, it couldn’t distract him from the dull ache in his rear.

With a deep groan Nico pushed himself up in the bed, hoping not to wake Jenson, but his lover didn't even flinch. Pushing the thin sheet away, Nico winced at the sticky feeling of the skin on his stomach. Nobody would doubt what they had been up to last night.

The feelings flushed over him, waking him up completely. It had been far from the first time. No matter how much he enjoyed sleeping with Jenson, how much he felt alive during those hours, in the morning the doubt would always return and wash over him in a cold wave.

As silently as possible, Nico got off the bed. Still, the only sound in the room was Jenson's gentle snoring – and Nico's heart beating away in his chest. He loved this man so much... He knew they said it was sick what they were doing – so how could he love it that much?

Standing at the foot of the bed, Nico spotted his golden cross lying on the floor – right next to a used condom.

Trying to ignore last night's evidence, Nico picked up the cross with shaking fingers before putting it around his neck. He was barely able to swallow past the lump in his throat while looking for his scattered clothes.

It was just all too much at the moment. He didn't know what to think anymore; all he knew was that he needed to get out. Getting into his trousers and shirt was harder than usual. Only moments later Jenson woke up by the sound of Nico closing the door behind him.

+*+

Nico didn't know how long he had been driving. It could have been 5 minutes or 5 hours. All he knew was that he was somewhere in France and that he was very thankful that he hadn't been involved in an accident in his state. Jenson had tried to reach him on his mobile a couple of times, but it just lay ignored on the passenger seat.

Nico was now parked on the side of the road, staring out of the windshield when he spotted a sign pointing at the small side street going uphill - “Chapelle de Notre-Dame”.

Thinking of it as a sign that he just couldn't run away anymore, Nico started the engine again before taking the right turn. The road was taking him away from the small town he had just passed. The scenery was breathtaking with tree covered hills, the narrow road kept turning through rocks and fields of grass; and after five minutes Nico had reached the end of it, spotting a small chapel behind a wooden gate.

Stepping out of the car he was welcomed by the sound of the wind – nothing else. He walked over to the tree covered space in front of the chapel before hesitating for a moment. Gripping his golden cross once again, he then continued on and pulled open the heavy doors of the chapel.

Inside it was just lit with a couple of candles, the small windows barely bringing in any natural light. Nico didn't take his eyes of the figure of Mary which was standing next to the small altar when he sat down in one of the few benches and started praying.

He was in such deep thoughts that he didn’t even hear the door open, only being startled when somebody sat down beside him. Turning around he expected it to be Jenson for a moment, only to realize that it would be impossible. However, he was really surprised to see a priest sitting there, eyeing him with a worried look.

“What is the matter, my son?” 

“Forgive me father for I have sinned.” 

The words were so familiar to Nico he could have recited them in his sleep.

“And what was so bad and made you so desperate that you came all the way here to talk to our Mother Mary?” the priest asked, the look in his eyes warm and open. Nico didn’t know what it was, but there was something about this priest that made him feel welcomed. 

“Do you want to hear the long or the short version?” 

The priest just laughed.

“Do I look like I’m in a hurry? What is your name, my son?” 

“Nico…” 

“So, Nico, tell old Père Laurent what makes your heart so heavy because you think you won’t find absolution?” At first, Nico was silent. He settled back into the bench, his eyes wandering over the simple paintings on the wall, they were nothing compared to the ones in the cathedral in Monaco.

“When I was born, my family wasn’t very religious. My father still isn’t. My mother, however, comes from a Roman Catholic background, but it wasn’t like she went to church every Sunday. It wasn’t until I fell seriously ill as a child.” Nico started talking like something had been opened inside him. Normally he never talked about all this, not to anybody besides Jenson; and Père Laurent just sat there and listened. 

“They never really found out what it was. Must have been something blood related. I was only three years old and my parents didn’t know if I would make it. That’s when my mother started praying. She promised to lead a merciful life, be a good Christian if only God wouldn’t take me. I’m my parents’ only child. The doctors actually said that it was a miracle that I survived. And my mother fulfilled her promise, raising me in the believe of the gracious Lord.” 

Nico fell silent for a moment. He couldn’t remember the crisis of his early childhood. It had been normal for him to go to church on Sundays and pray every night before going to bed – extra hard if his father had a race the next day to make sure God would watch over him.

“I was brought up with Christian values and rules… I had internalized them so much that I held them higher than my own thoughts…” Nico swallowed hard, his gaze falling to his hands which were lying openly on his thighs. Memories came back, bringing old buried feelings with them. Père Laurent laid his hand on Nico’s shoulder, encouraging him to go on. 

“I met Vivian when I was just a child. We basically grew up together as our mothers were friends. I really liked her, but… We got together when we were 18. I… Back then I thought it was love. And so much for the good Christian boy… It had been… nice…” Nico saw Père Laurent nodding beside him. There was no contempt in the priest’s face. 

“But that’s not it, right?” 

Nico only shook his head.

“Vivi broke up with me a couple of years ago. She never told me why. All she said was that she wished that I found somebody who I could really love… Back then I didn’t understand what she meant. After that I only concentrated on racing – I’m a racing driver, you know. Probably not the best way to thank God that he saved my life as a child…”

Nico felt a small smile creeping upon his face. How often had his mother pleaded with him, cried or screamed so that he would stop racing? He couldn’t tell. She had wanted him to go to university, but he had inherited his father’s stubbornness; and after all, without racing he would have never met Jenson…

“But then I think He made me a pretty good racing driver, even though it took me a couple of years for my first Formula 1 win… And I think I won more than just a race that day.” 

Nico sighed, once again looking at the Mary statue ahead of him. After a moment of hesitation, he crossed himself before turning towards Père Laurent.

“I’m in love with another man.” 

It was the first time he said it out loud. And now it was just flying through the air; and he was still sitting there. He hadn’t been struck by lightning or fell over dead. On top of that, Père Laurent was smiling.

“So this is the reason for your desperation? Love?” 

“I’m gay, father! I’m in a relationship with a man! I’m a sinner in the face of God.” 

Nico groaned, burying his face in his hands, fighting the tears in his eyes.

“You just told me that you won more than just a race?” 

Nico nodded, still not looking at the priest.

“God damn it! Sorry! But we were drunk… we did things that night… Believe me, you don’t want to know. And when I woke up in the morning, I saw him lying there, still sleeping and…” 

“And what?” 

“And I realized that it was love, real love…” 

Silence fell over the small chapel. For a moment it felt like the world had stopped turning...

“Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.” 

“1 Peter 4:8,” Nico mumbled between his hands. Taking a deep breath he brushed over his eyes before looking over at Père Laurent. 

“This might not be the opinion of my colleagues in Rome, but I think that love can’t be sin. No matter if you love a man or a woman. Nico, God gave you this life so you could serve… and love! And He must love you very much because obviously he brought somebody into your life who you could give this love to. Don’t hate yourself for it. Embrace it. Not everybody is that lucky… Come, it’s such a beautiful day outside. He wouldn’t want us to sit in here and wallow in our misery.” Patting Nico’s thigh the priest got up and walked outside. 

Nico hesitated for a moment. Taking a deep breath he finally followed him. Stepping through the door, he was blinded by the light at first, but then he was greeted by the warmth of the sunshine and the singing of birds; and suddenly he felt relieved. Like he had managed to leave something behind in that little chapel.

He looked at his surroundings as if he had never seen them before. Only several moments later he realized that he was alone. There was no sign of Père Laurent – just the wooden gate slightly swinging in the wind.

With a smile on his face walked over to his car, taking out his mobile phone. Now his fingers weren’t shaking anymore when he typed a message for Jenson:

_La chapelle Notre-Dame, Bézaudan-les-Alpes – come and get me :)_

**Author's Note:**

> As far as I know, Nico isn't Catholic in RL, but I changed it for the purpose of the story.
> 
> And the priest is named after the patron saint of the blind, in case you were wondering ;)
> 
> Inspired by Take Me To Church by Hozier.


End file.
